In the spirit of pardons, which seem to be an obligatory presidential type thing to do … this is the opposite.
From the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society’s Summer 2008 performance of The Mikado, by Gilbert & Sullivan, Two offerings. [If you don’t know G&S, sorry] First is the list of people to be punished, second (and not necessarily directly releated) the punishments (not pardons) for certain crimes.
Ko-Ko’s Little List
Adapted by John Brookes, Edited by Mike Storie, Christine Goff
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
There’s the condescending supervisor breathing down you neck –
The stupid twits who run red lights and nearly cause a wreck –
The inattentive waiter who expects a tip from you –
Those people who walk dogs at night and won’t pick up the poo –
Disposal of annoyance is a thing I can’t resist –
They’d none of ’em be missed – they’d non of ’em be missed!
Chorus: He’s got ’em on the list, etc [sing the whole chorus before proceeding]
All talking heads in Congress who get next to nothing done –
The election analyst – I’ve got him on the list!
The meddlesome ex-president so wistful he can’t run –
His wife’s a feminist – she slapped him on the wrist!
Those sub-prime mortgage lenders who let loans out who knows why –
Petroleum conglomerates that bleed consumers dry –
And politician Romeos that make D.C. a zoo –
(That senator from Idaho got busted in the loo!)
And shameless, brazen lobbyists … I think you get the gist –
They’d nonoe of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!
Chorus: He’s got ’em on the list, etc.
That silicone monstrosity with cleavage out to here –
Her liposuctionist – I’ve got him on the list!
Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and that ghastly Britney Spears –
Each with a publicist – they’d none of ’em be missed!
Then there’s “Brangelina”, “TomKat” and their endless growing brood –
Young ladies at the shopping mall who call each other “dude” –
And orchestra conductors who demand you sing in time –
And actors who change all the words and barely make them rhyme –
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list –
They’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!
Chorus: You may put ’em on the list, etc.
NOW FOR THE PUNISHMENT
The Mikado’s Song
Written by Dave Ross
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time –
To let the punishment fit the crime –
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor whose massive ego
Is entirely out of control,
Must watch every night of “American Idol”
Until both his eardrums explode.
[Dave Ross is a tenor, who some might say would fit the aforementioned description]
The medical doctor who makes you wait
While you sit there practically bare –
Is locked in a room hearing Kenny G. tunes,
With last month’s Vanity Fair.
The idiot who, would smuggle shampoo
Or toothpaste onto a plane,
Sits in row 42, twixt a man with the flu,
And an infant who hasn’t been changed.
My object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I’ve enacted
Shall all be extracted,
Shall all be extracted,
By terrified amateurs.
The woman whose basket has 23 items
Although the sign says “10,”
Must serve her time ia a post office line
Where the clerks are on break yet again.
The corporate nob who moves your job
To a distant foreign land
Spends the rest of his life, getting high-tech advice,
In a language he can’t understand.
The actor who tries to distract us
By changing the words in Act I,
Will meet in Act II, a veteran who,
Will show him just how it is done!
My object all sublime, etc.
hope this has brought a small ray of sunshine (even though it is definately dark out)
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